I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
