tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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