mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
