I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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