that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Randomize
