Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
