I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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