Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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