There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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