I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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