In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
