Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
