i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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