I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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