At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
