She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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