One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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