since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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