It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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