I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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