Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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