Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
