I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
