I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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