ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
