Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
