If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
