I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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