I cannot find my penis.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
