I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
