You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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