Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
