A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
