shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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