Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
