So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
