i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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