I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
