Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
