Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
