Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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