I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
