Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My liver just broke up with me...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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