If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He shit in the fireplace
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
