just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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