oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
