you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
