You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Be still, my beating vagina.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
