with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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