When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
