im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
be right there i have to get my cape
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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