Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
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