if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
