i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
