just survived the first fart of the relationship.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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