I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
