it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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