Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
