I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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